FACT – Kids make parents bonkers: Motherly Mutterings from Mumma Martin

IMG_4781Since becoming a mother, I find myself saying the weirdest things. Do you get that? I probably said weird things before due to my natural state of being being set at a consistent level of ‘bonkers’, but it’s dialled up a notch since I grew humans inside me.

It’s definitely the kids, I think they just ‘bring out the bonkers’ in their parents. When you’ve had endless sleepiness nights or when you’re dizzy from swinging a child around their bedroom 27 times or when your back aches from pretending to be a bridge for 45 minutes or when you watch diggers move earth on You Tube long enough to make your eyeballs hurt or when you remember its costume day at 10.45pm and start fashioning things out of foil and bog roll …it makes you say weird stuff, its expected and entirely forgivable. I think parents should be given a special card that they keep on them that they can hand to people when they are burnt out/in a rush/jacked up on Peppa Pig and not making any sense, it should read: “I come from planet parent. Please take everything I say with pinch of sugar…and then serve it back to me with a double shot latte. Thank you”

So here’s an eclectic mix of things I have found coming out of my mouth, usually to my husband, often to my friends, more often to other parentals, nearly always to the kids themselves, and from time to time just to myself. At the time motherly mutterings seem entirely normal and necessary, you will be making them every day, but it’s quite fun to look on in retrospect and see them written down to bring to life the sheer craziness of raising kids and provide you with some entirely pointless titilation on the eve of new years eve, eve…Enjoy…

  • The poo was almost twice the size of her head, I honestly don’t know how she got it out
  • I think Upsy Daisy may be a prostitute, she seems to lure in Iggle Piggle with a portable shagging bed and hip wiggling
  • Have you seen the Brio track I’ve built upstairs? I have never concentrated more on anything. In. My. Entire. Life
  • I gave Santa a high-10 by mistake, I thought he was addressing me. He wasn’t. A hi-10, not even a 5, I went in big, it was awkward
  • The Blue Ninja in Ninjago is definitely the hottest
  • When he comes into our room in the night I can’t help but think he’s that kid who sees dead people in Sixth Sense
  • You know how we’ve been looking for dummies all week? The nanny found 9 dummies under the cot today. I looked there so many times, she’s definitely Mary Poppins…or hiding them to trick me
  • I wish she could push me around in the pram for a bit, it’s raining and I have no rain cover on me
  • My rule with using cotton buds and ear wax is ‘if you can see it, you can get it’
  • For Christmas I would really like a lie in
  • Dont you just love it when you arrive at the school gate just as the bell is ringing?! God it makes me feel smug! Winning!
  • No you can’t have smarties for dinner….why? Because you had custard for lunch
  • My right nipple is just more efficient than the left
  • Today I was so tired I fell asleep walking. I woke up on the tube, it was actually a great commute
  • Someone in this bed has wet themselves. I think it’s him, but there is every chance it might be me
  • When we were in that church he asked me who was on the crucifix, I didn’t feel like getting into it all, so I just told him it was Iron Man….I think he wants to go back to church now!
  • He went to nursery today in his astronaut costume….it was Victorian Day. I told the teacher he’d come as the ‘future’, it was fine I think
  • I really don’t mind him having McDonald’s if I’ve got a hangover
  • I got properly stuck in the soft play today, it was terrifying. I didn’t know if I was going to choke on the smell of feet or suffocate from from the cube crushing my rib
  • If you want to be a superhero you need to always be kind and friendly….Oh and do what you’re told. And eat your vegetables. And tidy stuff. And also everything else. Otherwise it will never happen, sorry about that
  • Whatever we’re doing, we just need to make sure we’re living in a bigger house when she starts getting into Sylvanian Families
  • I dont think I’ve ever seen the bottom of our laundry bin, I wonder what it looks like
  • There’s definitely real food groups in a turkey dinosaur
  • Why doesn’t he eat the yolk, it’s the best bit, I don’t want him to grow up yolk-less, he’s really missing out
  • Imagine if he knew we were just sat down here watching SpiderMan and eating a magnum!!! Hahahahaha, god it feels good
  • She was so constipated the poo was half way out of her bum, I could see it! I had to massage her little belly until it came out. I whooped when it did. It was a relief for us all, quite the daily achievement
  • I just read an entire Fireman Sam book in a Welsh accent. It was epic
  • Planes 2 was a real disappointment in comparison to Planes 1
  • I think I might start roller skating with the pram to tone my bum
  • That day when we thought we’d lost his zebra will haunt me for the rest of my life



One thought on “FACT – Kids make parents bonkers: Motherly Mutterings from Mumma Martin

  1. Emma says:

    YES! So true! Today I said “Stop breathing erratically at me” Lol.

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