I’ve become one of those mums that’s get vox-popped on ITV.
One them ones quoted in the Daily Mail.
You know the ones….the one who might even get invited onto the local news. If she’s lucky, looking really sad with frown lines and a snivelling child hanging onto her knee.
…..oh if anyone out there wants me for an interview, I’m more than happy to be the above. But for now I will use my blog to talk about the total farce that is the school admissions system in London.
Here’s a short summary of my life in the last few years. (Oh and yes you may have noticed that this blog has a bitter tone of voice. You might want to read it whilst biting into a lemon and then poking your self in the eye. Then you will get really into the zone).
Step one: have a baby
Step two: live in family friendly safe area (don’t stray too far from the city though, I’m not over 30 yet and generally freak out if I go anywhere where Oyster cards don’t work)
Step three: Start a business
Step four: work your ass off
Step five: move a bit closer into said nice area within good school catchment area
Step six: just keep working to stay there
Step seven: get evicted from the house you are renting metres from the school you’ve set your set your heart on
Step eight: have another baby!
Step nine: spend 6 weeks crying about the house prices in the area you’ve now planned your life around
Step ten: scrape all your shit together and buy house
Step eleven: don’t worry that the kitchen is a similar size to your child’s one from the Early Learning Centre. After all, you have a house! In zone three! In the catchment area for not one, but TWO ofsted outstanding rated schools! You’ve made it. Chillax.
Step twelve: return back to work early after mat leave and go full time to pay for the mortgage for the worlds most expensive dolls’ house
Step thirteen: apply for schools feeling smug when you measure that you’re less than 300 metres from the school at the bottom of your road
Step fourteen: repeat step four. Then open a new office in the USA (yep really)
Step fifteen: attend the Easter Egg hunt at your preferred school basking in the glory of how great it is and how your child will love it there and how jolly all the parents are
Step sixteen: receive an e-mail offering your child a place at a school a 40 min drive away in a rough area
Step seventeen: have a public melt-down in the park while playing hide and seek and text various panic stricken obscenities to your husband
Step eighteen: continue to live your life in a shocked state
Step nineteen: decline place. Write strongly worded letter drawing your house and the school ‘at the bottom of your road’. Sit it out on waiting lists. Continue to despair.
Step twenty: wait for ITV to call
Living the middle class family dream? What a load of crap. This system makes as much sense as a suduko, which no, I have no idea how to complete.
To be continued….