Motherhood has flooded my body with emotions unreachable from any other place (and a shed loads of hormones too). I can’t get through an xmas advert without crying. I almost had to remove myself from the nursery christmas play and I practically went into meltdown when Phoenix told me what a ‘lovely Christmas’ he’d had.
Having kids will make you cry more than every cried before. Fact. But not always for the reasons you might expect.
Parenthood will get you like that, when you least expect it, it will catch you, in those moments where something happens, usually something incidental to anyone else, something small in an everyday but it’ll get you, and you’ll just think ‘holy crap I have bought this little person into the world and they are actually amazing. I did that. We did that. They are truly a miracle.’
Because there’s there’s a little person that you have made and raised with thoughts and feelings and who loves you back. A little person who has dreams and fears which you will nurture and protect. A little person with a heart, a mind, and an imagination that will catch you off guard, take your breath away and put into perspective what life is really all about when you’re least expecting it. A little person who will make you laugh until you nearly wet yourself (and that has nothing to do with your screwed pelvic floor) and a little person who will make you cry because you love them so much you think you might burst.
And that’s why I can’t make it through an Xmas advert, because this year those ads have been on emotional steroids. How can we get these mums to spend in our glorious stores packed to the rafters of delicious consumer goods? Lets get them bawling…It’s working – I’ll take it. I’ll take it all, whatever you’re selling I’ll buy it, just stop giving me an emotional spike and dip everyday when I’m just trying to do the hoovering. I’ll get that bear an alarm clock, god damn it, I’ll bring Big Ben to him if need be, just stop now, enough. Enough! My nerves are shot to bits here people!
But what you see on those ads and actually all around when you look, is family. Love. Kindness. Beautiful relationships. Because family is what it’s all about. Love, sharing, fun. And there is no other time when that comes to light more than at Christmas.
I think even the T K Maxx one had me going. I know, I know – crying at a T K Maxx ad. Mental.
Phoenix has been beyond gorgeous at Christmas this year. When I saw his little face searching for us on the stage at his Christmas show I fully understood why parents always cry at the nativity. It had nothing to do with the actual play – he was a fox and spent much of his starring performance crawling round on his hands and knees and then jumping up and down to the song “what does the fox say”. But oh how I wept! How proud! My baby!! A, um….fox in the Christmas show! My little baby who surely we only bought home from hospital 5 mins ago is now starring in a West End London show (ahem, well….sort of true. Dream big hey?)
I want to freeze this age. I want to soak up every conversation, remember every cuddle and cherish every kiss. We’re transitioning into a space where he’s becoming much more understanding of and in tune with his emotions and feelings. I am loving it. But it’s tipping me over the edge. The breastfeeding hormones and Indy giggles aren’t helping either. But he is coming out with some lines and questions that are just killing me…What with some of these I’ve shared here below and any more ads, I just don’t know how I’m going to make to 2014….
“Mummy are you my family?”
“And Daddy and Indy? Are they my family?”
“Mummy I love my family. We’re the cuddly family”
“Mummy, I’m so happy that father christmas bought me all my presents. Some were even surprises not from my list! Can you believe it?! I love them, I love them, I love them”
“Mummy, am I still 3?”
“So I’m not 4 yet?”
No not yet
“And when I’m 4 I have to go to school?”
“Mummy, when I’m 4 and I have to go to school, I want you to come in and play with me and cuddle me if I get sad”
“Mummy lets cuddle Indy. She’s laughing at me mum! Look! When Indy is bigger and has teeth I’m going to teach her to be a big like me and grow strong muscles like me and ride a bike and swim”
“Mummy I love you”
NOPE I’VE LOST IT. I’VE GONE. Off to find a massive box of tissues……
Happy New Year from the mission xxx
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