And when I say tears, they are usually mine! What the hell is this tantrum malarky all about?! There really has been no need what so ever for any, and I repeat ANY of Phoenix’s tantrums. I think you would find if we went to a court of law and reviewed the instigating factors of the tantrums in questions he would be wholly unjust. So what’s his beef?! They are coming thick and fast and are varying in style and length. Some are short and erratic, a kind of tourettes style outburst which disappear as quickly as the toy flung to the ground and some are long and drawn out, with highs and lows, almost like a scripted story reaching a climatic ending (usually me giving in flustering and tossing a dummy in his mouth). I’d heard about the terrible two’s but is there some kind of sick inner mummy circle secret that these actually begin at one?! Is this like the big reveal in plot twist…oh you thought you had another year of sweetness and light?Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! In your face new mamma, deal with that.
Oh. Erm,…..Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa back!
When the tantrums come I don’t think I’m the best at handling them. I find them very hard to ignore (for obvious reasons!) and the crying just cuts right through me. And I am one of those mums that will do anything to avoid a public outburst. I virtual high five those mums who confront the tantrums head on in the supermarket and take no crap, they stamp them out with a firm yank and serious don’t mess with me telling off. I’m more of this type of mum….
‘Oh god everyone’s looking. Everyone is judging me! Stop judging me! God I bet they think I’m a right chav. Why am I still wearing my joggers?! Ah! Right think…drink? Smash! Dummy? Fling! Rice cake? Waaaaaa stop giving me health you silly woman! Erm, ok, walk around? Flop! Carry? Slither to ground! Everyone’s really looking now. I’m a good mum! I’m not a chav! Stop judging me! Look, I’ve got the sports edition Maclaren! Look it has suspension! Look how the reflectors shine in the eyes of my crying child! Yes I know I didn’t get time to wash my hair thismorning. Yes I know I’m wearing the bottom of my sports bag. Stop judging me! He’s not like this! Really he’s an angel. F*ck it get me to the Wotsits ailse!!! NOW!’
The thing about tantrums that really bothers me is I have hard evidence that they don’t really happen that much when I’m not there. Well there’s something to cheer myself up with. I mean what kind of reward is this for a hard working mum?! Sigh. ‘They save it all for their mothers’….ugh that saying used to make me laugh, now it sends shivers down the spine.
The thing I’m worried about is that he’s evolving his tantrum tactics. He’s getting smart. I feel like bit in Jurassic Park when the raptors learn how to open door handles and start communicating. It’s that frightening and a bit more. He’s developed this move that I think is common amongst this species of tantrum-ers….
It involves kind of making your whole body appear like you have no bones and you are made of jelly. It comes in especially handy if your mum is trying to put you n the pushchair but you don’t feel like going in there. If executed correctly you can kind of slide right out of the seat to the ground, and if you’re particularly skilled you’ll do this so fast she’ll have no chance at all the get the straps in. It’s also quite handy if you just feel like dropping to the ground and causing a scence. Mum will find it hard to pick you up and when she does you can kind of just slide down her body and resume floor position and repeat the steps again. Genius.
And then there’s the missile launches out the push chair. One minuet you’re taking photos of him cuddling up to Sleepy Z and wondering how you ever created something beautiful and the next minute poor old Sleepy Z is taking deep dive towards a concrete landing. Well at least I’m not the victim of the tantrums. I’ve tried a variety of approachers to deal with them ignore, give him things, tell him off, distract, cuddle, I’d say the differences between approaches is about zero. So I’ve concluded there is no answer…unless anyone out there has any top tips, wing them my way.
We recently went away to a gorgeous cottage in Wales. It was one of most peaceful places I’ve ever been, but when you’ve got a tantruming toddler on your hands it’s funny how you look at places differently. Instead of my first thought which should have been: ‘this heaven, beautiful, I’m am instantly relaxed’, it was probably only my sixth or seventh or eight thought, pipped to the post by other thoughts such as ‘that’s a steep bank, he’s bound to flip out when he can’t run down it on his own. Oh there’s barb wire fencing, he’s defo going to kick off when can’t rub his hands all over that. There’s cows down there. Hmmm, he’s going to want to go right up them. Yes, he’ll want to get to the cows through the nettles. And the brambles, he’ll wonder why he’s not allowed to touch them and probably scream and it’ll echo through the beautiful hills……etc etc. Why?! Why can’t he just stay on the lovely fluffy safe piece of flat grass, so perfect for a child to run and roll in, it couldn’t have been grown for anything but! And I could just sit there on the picnic bench with a glass of wine cooing at him. No? Cows? Right I see, off we go….Of course the great thing about video editing is that you can cut all those bits out and just remember the very best bits which is what is featured below for your viewing pleasure. Right, I’ll leave you there, I’m off to turn my body into jelly, throw my ipad at my husband and scream through the walls at the neighbours. According to recent research this can only end in sleep, chocolate, gifts or drugs and right now, I’ll take them all!