‘Incidental Incidents’

My poor neglected blog! Hello! Ahhhh It’s all nice in here, all mumsy and cosy. I have missed you dearly! The thing is, I’ve had bloggers block. I convinced myself I had nothing else to say, was no longer funny and no one was interested any more now Phoenix had hit the big single figures…but, I’m making a come back and it’s comeback inspired by the title of the blog – ‘incidental incidents’, predominately because there have been so many of them lately I couldn’t not say anything about them. I would describe these moments in a few simple words; ridiculous, silly, embarrassing and almost guareentable that they wouldn’t have happened pre motherhood. You know those moments where you feel like you’re in Bridget Jones film? Yeah them. I’m talking about them, why are there so many of them now?! Is it just me? I put it down to too many things on the brain, running around after a toddler (an activity in itself which breeds incidents naturally) and also the dreaded ‘mums’ law’. Mums’ law is like ‘sods law’ but more reliable. It’s when you go out without a nappy and he suddenly gets diarrhoea, it’s when you have a few glasses of wine the night before and he gets up at 5am, it’s when you tell the nursery staff he’s really clingy and not good at being away from you, and he runs off laughing into the paints and crayons shouting ‘mummy who?!’. That is mums’ law and it’s a significant contributer to the ‘incidental incidences’. By the way this is all solid fact because I’ve been monitoring it. Check these out, which occurred in the space of just 10 days, this is impacting research of this very true condition that faces us all:

‘Trip to the park’

I’m at the park. A place I frequent so regularly I’m thinking of setting up a sofa bed under the slide (just a quick question here about park equipment – does anyone else not find the rocker horse thing a bit weird? It’s kind of a load of kids sitting in a line on a metal horse doing a bonking action. It’s odd, and doesn’t really look that fun) So I’m hanging out in our usual spot of slide/climbing frame combo, doing my stand-up impersonation of someone playing Twister as I try and allow him to climb and move around while simultaneously keeping a hand on him at all times. He likes to fling himself off edges you see, he hasn’t grasped the concept of edges yet. Well I can see why if he’s taking inspiration from me, as soon after lifting him down from the platform I missed the sloping edge between the concrete and squidgy bouncy concrete, my ankle went, and I did a full on fall over whilst holding him on my front. So essentially landed on him. It was bloody awful. Luckily, Mother’s instinct kicked in and I actually gripped him so he didn’t make contact with the ground and I ‘crouching tiger hidden dragoned’ myself so I somehow didn’t land on him. It was wild scenes for the playground. Lots of mums gathered round to see the idiot at the slide and embarrassing scenes of tears and pathetic limping by me ensued. Silly. Ridiculous. And actually quite painful. Curse you Birkenstocks.

F*ck Jamie

It was Ben’s 30th last week. In the run up I thought I’d treat him to making a Jamie Oliver beef and ale stew with dumplings. Hmmm, I know, delicious, wholesome, tasty, but how about also deadly, burnt and life threatening? I followed Jamie’s instructions carefully placing everything in my casserole dish and putting it over the heat. Only turns out it wasn’t a casserole dish it was it? But just an innocent old ceramic dish (it looked like pyrex!) which proceeded to explode and crack in front of my eyes (was actually quite cool, bit like in science when something exploded. Or if your shirt caught fire on a bunsen burner. Yes, that actually happened to me too) I transferred quickly to a proper sensible casserole pan and proceeded with the recipie. But alas Jamie was against me and all my liquid seemed to dissaperate and the beef burnt onto the bottom of the pan. Plus making the dumplings was depressing seeing how much butter went in.

But still the cake! I would make a comeback with the cake! Building from the sheer success of Phoenix’s monster cake I promoted myself to a sophisticated chocolate and pistachio number. Oo I say. It was going great and smelling de-lish! Popped it in the oven feeling rather smug and the dish incident way behind me. At the beep of the timer I took out my ‘cake’ to discover a strange conjeled, sticky toffee type thing. I was very very confused and was writing a strongly worded letter to Mr Oliver in head about how he’d ruined my evening, when I realised I hadn’t put any flour in. Who bakes a cake without a flour?! How the hell did I not realise?! 

Escalated anxiety 

I don’t even have one specific story for this one. Just put me in a situation where I have to put the pram on an escalator and I literally turn into a jittery, bonkers mental hospital escapee. I just cannot cope! How does it work?! Do you put all the wheels on? Do you hold the handles up a bit? I would HATE to see a video of myself doing this, I kind of do a panic shuffle before hand and try and get on really quick, then get scared and slow down but then go too slow and mis-time it. Once on I kind attempt to take the weight of the whole pram, which is quite heavy before getting nearly to the bottom and realising I’m only holding it up about 2 cm and could just put the wheels down. I never managed to keep to the right (cardinal sin in London) and so piss everyone off and cause a hold up. Get lifts. Everyone get a lift. Now!

And there we have it BOOM I’m back in. And just in case you were missing that little squish on screen, here’s a lil vid of his b’day (filmed and edited by Ben, and also starring in this one too – he likes the credits)

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3 thoughts on “‘Incidental Incidents’

  1. Oh my God!!! So funny!!!! Especially the pram on an escalator!!!

    This is something I try from time to time, when there is a queue for the lift. Every time I try it, I convince myself that I have learned from my mistakes of previous attempts. That I know STRAIGHT AWAY that I have to hold pram handle UP so as to level up the pram. That I look confident in my decision to put a pram on the escalator,( despite the warning at the foot of them) to reassure worried lookers-on that I know what i’m doing!!!!

    However, as soon as i’m on it, I lose my bearings. If the pram is in it’s laying down position, or there’s shopping hanging on the handle clip , the centre of gravity is off. Sending me into a panic of ‘do I hold it up or down, oh s**t is he going to fall out, quick get prepared to get off in case the wheels get stuck (I know that’s impossible, but I worry it will happen)’

    All in all it’s not worth the 60 seconds of sheer panic – and i completely agree with you to take the lift, no matter how big the queue!!!

    http://yeswedohaveatv.wordpress.com

  2. A-MAZ-ING video’s by the way.xxx

  3. Kirsty says:

    Aaargh! Most recent – realizing I have no cash but hey it’s a nice day so we’ll walk to the bank. Nappy bag, water, snack, shoes all good to go. Get to bank. Realize my handbag is at home. Go home. Get handbag. Try again. Mum brain!

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