I don’t know how to dress myself since giving birth. There, I’ve admitted it like a recovering fashion addict. It’s a very weird time in my apparel lifetime right now. I have no clue what this body shape is that I’ve been left with and how to dress it. Is it staying, going, changing or just wobbling it’s way through daily life? Who knows, certainly not me.
I think there was possibly a point in time when I was just a little bit ‘cool’ (whatever that actually means), but I fear this may have come to a rather abrupt end. Last week I got far too excited about discovering a pair of jeans that I thought looked relatively ‘cool’ but more importantly rocked the appealing feature of an elasticated waist band. Oh lord, what’s happened to me? Since I last reported on it, I’m feeling far less enthusiastic about my post-natal physique. The natural weight loss has come to an all too sudden grinding halt, and I’ve been left to deal with the rest on my own. Thank you mother nature, I love you too.
Everyone knows that breastfeeding burns calories, so in a bid to make myself feel better I Googled it. It’s about 500 cals burnt a day. That’s a lot! And I’m not eating an extra 500 calories a day to compensate for this so am perplexed as to why don’t I look like that Pussycat doll judge from the X Factor? (who is by the way, a far more interesting judge than Chezza. Fact). My ‘mum tum’ is totally becoming the bane of my life. It seems to live a seperate existence from the rest of my body. I’m sure it doesn’t want to be there and would be quite happy sunning itself in a Krispy Kreme donought factory, and I’d be really happy for it to sod off there. I can see why celebs get tummy tucks after childbirth, because beyond the ‘mum tum’ there’s a normal figure right in front of my eyes dying to break out. Also, now I’m back in the gym, if I squint hard enough I can even see my abs under there (they have a really sad little faces and are wheezing and choking from the suffocation of dominant ‘mum tum’). Also, I’ve been rather alarmed by some mums I’ve chatted to recently who have warned me that the ‘mum tum’ will improve with time, but may not actually ever fully go. Erm, what? I’m sorry, can you repeat this? Gina Ford didn’t put that in her freaking book did she?!
So my ‘mum tum’ in combination with a pair of whoopie cushions for breasts has made choosing clothes difficult. I was really looking forward to wearing normal clothes again post-pregnancy, but didn’t account for the fact that everything would need to be boob-accessible and that I would be carrying some kind of deflated balloon round my middle for months to come. I’m usually a real dresses girl, which are completely non-compatible with breast-feeding, so I’m missing being able to wear them (tempting as it is to just buy new ones, hanging around with one boob out is more than enough without having to lift a whole dress up and sit there in the feeding room of Mothercare in my knickers). I just can’t seem to find anything that fits both my body and this new phase of life. Whine, whine, whine. At the moment I would describe my style as that of a chubby kids’ TV presenter. The only clothes I’ve seen that I’ve actually wanted to buy have been in the teen girl section of H&M. All this focussing on Phoenix’s amazing wardrobe has made me also dress like a child. So I think that concludes that it’s official – call Heat magazine and place a permanent ‘hoop of horror’ around my whole body for I have well and truly lost the fashion plot. I refuse to buy anything in a bigger size as ‘I won’t be this size forever’ of course so am wearing a mish mash of clothes that can be squeezed into or just generally worn fatter. Next month one of our friends is having a ‘celebrity’ themed fancy dress 30th. Everyone is going to look hot with ‘non-babyfied’ bodies. It’s not looking good for me to be honest, I’m more Dame Edna than Victoria Beckham right now.
I have been to the gym everyday this week and am training as much as I can. By hook or by crook I’ll blast this unfair and quite frankly damn right rude baby weight to outer space. So instead of a slinky new dress on today’s shopping trip I bought myself a cool laptop case; impossible to look fat in that. Another fact.
So this week I’m going to empty my whole wardrobe and start again. Time to set up an ebay account me thinks. And time for a new look and new me. Less kids’ TV more ‘I’m a young, cool, confident mum…I think.
Over and out,
Ok so I can’t quite bring myself to sign off on this post without confessing I’ve written the whole thing while nibbling on a cupcake.
Ok, ok….not nibbling, devouring.